In these troubling times, I find it to be a real palate cleanser to watch old episodes of America’s Next Top Model. 2002 was a different time! even haute couture looked kind of shiny and cheap, people wore white eye shadow without a shred of irony, and models refused to do “nude illusion” shoots because “my body is just for my husband.” Quaint! It’s amazing how antiquated a show can seem after only 16 years (and I’m not just talking about it not being in HD), but every time someone says “I can be a wife AND a model” or Mr. Jay calls addresses the models as “girls,” there you’ll be, mouth agape. When Anne described the models in the house over-thinking a clue in a Tyra Mail card, saying “I don’t know, we’re retarded,” I actually ran the video back to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. Now, they’d cut that out (I hope), and if they didn’t Anne would be “atted” from around the world by people (hopefully) nicely explaining that the R word is not a thing we toss around like that anymore.
This post is about my feelings about commercials. Specifically, the same commercials that get repeated to me over and over and over, wearing a little ridge into my brain. I never, ever watch commercials, so they seem ridiculous, cartoonish, and downright stupid when I do come across them. In two weeks, my subscription will get reset and those commercials will go away, so let’s savor the flavor while we can.
Charmin Bears have a real Thing about a Clean Ass
In this commercial, a family of Charmin bears goes on vacation, and the daddy bear is aghast at the toilet paper selection in the hotel room / Air Bnb / wherever the hell bears stay when they go on vacation. “Flat toilet paper! I’ll never get clean!” he says to mama bear. Only quilted toilet paper can properly clean his bear butt. “Way ahead of you,” mama bear says, whipping out a 12-pack of Charmin.
Did she seriously take up 1/4 of an airplane overhead compartment to pack that damn toilet paper? Maybe she paid $25 to check her toilet paper? Or maybe they drove and there was extra space in the minivan, so she was like “eff it, I’ll pack this thing of toilet paper”? How long is this vacation that they think they’re going to use 12 rolls? That’s three rolls for every member of the bear family. Maybe papa bear has some kind of “situation?” Also, points for mama bear for keeping up the illusion that she is the one who has to be responsible for papa bear’s butt. Bro, if you’re going to be picky about your toilet paper, maybe YOU should be the one shoving a 12-pack of Charmin into the overhead bin, I’m just saying. Just in case the women of the world started to think that everybody else’s happiness somehow wasn’t their responsibility, the marketing team over at Charmin has provided this gentle reminder.
“Don’t these bears know about bidets?” I ask myself, and then I gasp. If these bears do not know about bidets, do you have ANY IDEA how psyched they’re going to be when they find out about them? Maybe the bear family should have gone to France instead of Florida or whatever. Bear family! Bidets! They’re a game changer!
Does This Probiotic Summon Satan or Not?
In a commercial about a probiotic drink name Yakult, the narrator goes on and on about how only this brand has this one special kind of bacteria that’s supposed to be really good for you or something, and then an animated family goes to the grocery and dutifully chooses that particular brand. Please note how the mom is making sure the drink is nonfat and the dad is the one literally carrying a book about probiotics through the grocery store. Thanks god the folks at Yakult have provided us silly women-folk with this gentle reminder that we could all stand to lose ten pounds and ought not to trouble our delicate lady brains thinking about hard things like science. At the end of the commercial, we are treated to a very wholesome image of a very white family sucking down some Yakult around their kitchen island. Even grandma and grandpa are there! “Hey, grandma and grandpa, want to come over for a breakfast of Stuff From a Plastic Container? Cool, but you have to drink it standing up!” And the call to action? “Enjoy Yakult with your family!”
The problem here being that it sounds like the narrator is enthusiastically urging to you “try the occult with your family!” After seeing this commercial once, I couldn’t help but picture the wholesome family tossing aside their drinks, drawing a big pentagram on the kitchen island and informing little Tommy that, as the only virgin available, he will have to be sacrificed today. Yes. TRY THE OCCULT WITH YOUR FAMILY.
Kids are a Freaking Nightmare
In an ad for Mirena, an IUD for long-term birth control, a woman walks around a grocery store thinking “did I remember to take my pill today?” and “I’m not ready to have more kids…” and other similar things that we hear via voice-over from her brain parts. The intent here is clear: we are all supposed to relate to this woman because a) she is buying groceries and b) she is worried about which birth control method to use. But also there are her devil spawn.
As this very relatable woman muses on how she doesn’t like having to take a pill every day, there are two kids in the grocery store tearing the place apart. Running through the aisles. Causing an avalanche on a watermelon display. These are apparently the woman’s children, as they are also in the woman’s home later, being loud while she is on the phone and dropping water balloons from the upstairs balcony. Lady! No wonder you don’t want any more kids right now! I mean kids will be kids, but if I had even thought about bursting a water balloon in the house, I would still be grounded today, working from home from my mom’s house, but saving a ton of money by not having to pay for car, mortgage, and food.
Note to self: throw water balloon in mom’s house the next time I visit.
So while she’s going on and on about how Mirena is reversible and safe (but if it goes through your uterine wall you totally die, but never mind that), every visual on the screen is saying “YOU WANT BIRTH CONTROL BECAUSE CHILDREN ARE TERRIBLE.” Also, special mention for the scene showing a man who I presume is this woman’s husband, sitting the back yard reading the newspaper and casually munching from the world’s largest bowl of jelly beans. Steve! Your wife has been to the grocery, run some other non-specific errand, and you’re just chilling out here getting diabetes? When the kids sneak up behind Steve and stick their grubby little hands in his precious bowl-o-betes, he just sighs and smiles, like “those silly kids.” STEVE. Your kids have been banned from every farmers market in the city and now your wife has to buy apples at Wal-Mart. WAL-MART, STEVE. Maybe stop reading the newspaper and parent your freaking kids. Get it together, Steve!
